What is wrong with you, anyway?

A popular question to which any answers I offer will never suffice.

Where to start?

* The sense that nothing is what I want it to be.
* The sense that I cannot change what I want, meaning disappointment will continue to define my perspective on everything.
* The sense that all that glitters is an elaborate forgery.
* The knowledge that all actions are ultimately futile.
* The supreme dissatisfaction in knowing those whose care & comfort would mean so much to me will never offer it.
* The pain from previous traumas that still traces everything. Memories that won’t fade, questions that fail to resolve themselves.
* The unfair reality that A Certain Guilty Party still freely exists, unencumbered by consequence. It tears me apart.
* The facades we adopt to play a role in an industry where surface depth is the only yardstick by which we measure.
* The hollowness of little victories. The echo of your name fading. The entitled expectations, the failure to adhere to any code of civility if it’s not convenient.
* The merciless march of time and its insensitivity to your own routine.
* The inability to admit you’re breaking. The shame in letting feelings persist.
* The crisis that follows when your best chances have gone to seed.

and more than anything…

* The irrevocable horror of learning you are really alone in a war that no one will acknowledge that you battle everyday. The recognition that it is a struggle you are destined to fail. The statistics that indicate time is running out, hope wearing thin. The helplessness in bearing witness to your own suffering: watching illusions turn to nightmares and allies recede into indifference.

Final Stage: The Anathema.

This place feels so unfamiliar. And yet I know it well.

Spanish Doll - Poe

I think I used to belong here
But the only way I can tell
Is that I miss you still
And I cannot find you here
You left me tattered and torn
Just like that Sweet Spanish doll

Interregnum.

I am in NYC once again. Moved into a new apartment in the West Village.
Working at my publications. In search of new prospects in all arenas of life.
Suffered a few personal disappointments in the past few months, but have flourished professionally. Now if I can only keep these two distinct realms from overlapping, I'll be on to something.

Current projects:

Ladyhawke for Interview
Primal Scream for Interview
Shepherd Fairey for Interview
HAIR Costume Designer Michael McDonald for Interview
Estelle for Paper Magazine
Hannah Marshall for Paper Magazine
Back to Noise for Paper Magazine

Others:
A Cramps Tribute (in negotiations with various publications)
Lise Sarfati (same)

In the coming weeks, I branch out to even more publications and begin PR writing work. I'm quite busy, but never satiated! I need to stop going out til 5 every night, but Manhattan nightlife is my favorite fix. Don't want it to turn into my "favorite mistake".

X
Colleen

Trying to redirect

colleennika.com to this blog & um, well it isn't working. ;_;

HELP?

The Kills let us in on another inside joke.

Another gloriously grubby video from The Kills comes in the form of "Tape Song".

In a time where videos risk obsolescence, here is a band with the freedom to make as many as they want, solely because each clip is a scrappy lo-fi pisstake. This here is their most scattershot yet. I doubt Domino will spend more than $15,000 on all 5 Midnight Boom videos combined. Here's for wishing, praying, BEGGING that "Black Balloon" earns a noble treatment, because it's the album's (and possibly a career's) crowning pinnacle. Dark, mindful economy would suit it well.

Alison Mosshart's influence continues to serve me, and most of fashion kind, very well this year.
I thank fuck for her, for Shirley, for Kim Gordon, and for Patti Smith, all of whom I've recently learnt to appreciate in newly significant ways. If my raison d'etre is to forge the realms of alternative fashion and music -- and it is -- then these women are an integral part of why I do it, and why the world should take notice.

Obama!

There is hope.

Two of my core inspirations, united.

Please take the time to check out Blackbook Magazine's terrific article, which chronicles the intersecting universes of dishabille iconique Kim Gordon and my punk rock Chanel savants of choice Rodarte.

ICONS: RODARTE CATCHES UP WITH KIM GORDON.

It is a smashing read, and one that I can't help but wish I'd helped bring into fruition myself.